This Heart.

I do believe that God has graciously placed me in the best arrangement of relatives in all the land--especially in regards to my immediate family. It has been such a blessing to watch how our family dynamic has changed and shifted as we have each aged, and I can whole-heartedly and emphatically say that my brothers and sisters are now my best friends. I couldn't replace or recreate the bond I have with a single one of them and often, when thinking of and missing my family, my heart feels as though it is tremendously incapable of holding all of the love I have for them in it. I could write and cry, and write and cry, and write and cry about all the memories and emotions that surface when I think of them, but I'll spare anyone reading this. 

Moving to Colorado--over 1,000 miles away from home--has really opened my eyes to the reality and weight of this blessedness. Though moving away has been extremely beneficial for personal growth, not a single day goes by that I don't miss being with my people. I have a constant tug on my heart in the direction of south Chicago. It is true that home isn't a place, but a feeling. Home, for me, is wherever the people I love most are. I find home in Illinois where the majority of my family lives; I find home in Indiana where my brother, his wife, and their daughter reside; I find home in Arizona where a bond that is stronger than blood connects me with an amazing little family and church in Phoenix; and I find home here, in Colorado, with a church family that has welcomed, accepted, and cared for me far more than I ever could have expected. I am constantly humbled to the point of tears over all the Lord has given me. He truly has done all things well. Someone text me and remind me daily to thank the Lord for the precious gift that is my family--that is home. 

I was able to visit for the first time again back in October, but a weekend is hardly enough time to accomplish even the smallest bit of what I had dreamt up; yet it meant more to me than anything in all the world. It didn't matter what we did, all that mattered was that we were together again. Everything felt like it was in it's proper place. That all was well and exactly as it should be. Although I know that the Lord has called me here for the time being, I pray that He would reunite all of us together again. That I would feel the warmth and sweetness and great blessedness that their fellowship brought me on a daily basis again. 

And so, here is a little video that Ky and I put together with some of the clips we grabbed the first night of that trip. Sitting there with those people--laughing together, eating and drinking together, and telling stories to each other--was exactly what my soul needed and what eventually caused my heart to burst at the seems. This little ol' heart just can't seem to function quite right when I'm with them. 

This video is a very small portion of my heart and the people that permanently reside in it.  

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well!

Welcome to the world, baby Aubree. 

I am the proudest Aunt. 

You have stolen my heart, as well as my words.

You have my love, always.  

Until I find the words to say--your first playlist.

He Has Done A L L Things W E L L

"He has done all things well!" Mark 7:37

Yes, from first to last, from our cradle to our grave, from the earliest pang of sin's conviction, to the last thrill of sin's forgiveness, from earth to heaven — this will be our testimony in all the way the Lord our God has led us in the wilderness: "He has done all things well!" 

In providence and in grace, 
in every truth of His Word, 
in every lesson of His love, 
in every stroke of His rod, 
in every sunbeam that has shone, 
in every cloud that has shaded, 
in every element that has sweetened, 
in every ingredient that has embittered, 
in all that has been mysterious, inscrutable, painful, and humiliating, 
in all that He gave, 
in all that He took away, 
this testimony is His just due, and this our grateful acknowledgment through time and through eternity: "He has done all things well!" 

Has He converted us through grace by a way we had thought the most improbable? 
Has He torn up all our earthly hopes by the roots? 
Has He thwarted our schemes, frustrated our plans, disappointed our expectations? 
Has He taught us in schools most trying, by a discipline most severe, and lessons most humbling to our nature?
Has He withered our strength by sickness, reduced us to poverty by loss, crushed our heart by bereavement? 

And have we been tempted to exclaim, "All these things are against me!"
Ah! no! faith will yet obtain the ascendancy, and sweetly sing: 
"I know in all things that befell,
 My Jesus has done all things well!" 

Beloved, it must be so, for Jesus can do nothing wrong! 

Study the way of His providence and grace with the microscopic eye of faith — view them in every light, examine them in their minutest detail, as you would the petal of a flower, or the wing of an insect; and, oh, what wonders, what beauty, what marvelous adaptation would you observe in all the varied dealings with you, of your glorious Lord!

--Octavius Winslow 

Resolved.

(A New Year's letter I wrote to my family to be read on New Year's Eve as a challenge and source of encouragement. May it do the same for anyone who sees and reads this. Happy New Year!)

The New Year is upon us!

With the coming of the new year we are naturally inclined to look forward. We make resolutions for a better year, a more productive year, a fuller year; and more than that, a fuller life. We see all that the new year could hold if we just harness the power inside ourselves. We can visualize it. We hope in it. We make lists containing all that we aspire our new year to hold. Many times, to our shame, our resolutions fail. That renewed vigor and determination that came with the new year often leaves with the realization that it's just another day in the same life we have lived up until this point. We have the desire to change but not the will to do so. That power that we felt so strongly with the ring of the new year dissipates within the everyday comforts that bring the strong pull of complacency. Then, at the end of the year, we look back and see that we accomplished little of what we intended or resolved to in the first place.

And so, with the coming of the new year, we are also inclined to look back. We become introspective and try to analyze why we failed, once again, at our resolutions. We see that life hasn't changed much. We're in the same place as last year so we try to figure out where we fell short in an attempt to succeed in the coming year. Same cycle every year. Eventually we just stop making resolutions. We're comfortable anyway, and resolutions just bring restraint and eventual failure. So what's the point, right? Where's the benefit?

Well, I think there is a point, and I think it is beneficial. I think the point and the benefit lies within the reflection on the past year and the hope in the future- though both need to be redirected. Our reflection needs to be directed not to ourselves and what we have accomplished in the past year, but what Christ has already accomplished for us at the Cross and what He is still accomplishing through us now. We can be confident that, "he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ," and that "he works all things together for the good of those who love him, who are called according to His purpose." Every good thing that we accomplished in the past year was by God's grace and His grace alone, and every failure and disappointment was also given to us by His gracious and perfect will. It was His hand that brought us both and we are to bless Him in each instance and join Job in saying, "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."

The past year has held many blessings and trials. After considering the past year I think we all have reason to be humbled before the Lord and to fall upon our faces in absolute awe and worship of Him who has been exceedingly merciful and abundantly gracious toward each one of us, and to our family as a whole. We have sinned and erred yet the Lord has not forsaken us. We have acted in ungodly ways and have cast shame upon His name--driving the nails further into His hands and piercing His side with the spear--yet He calls us sons and takes delight in our salvation. It is He "who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy." He disciplines us for our good and, upon looking at His faithless bride, says with compassion, "I will establish my covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the Lord, that you may remember and be confounded, and never open your mouth again because of your shame, when I atone for you for all that you have done."

We are drawn out of ourselves and our gaze is fixed instead upon the Cross of Christ. We see how greatly we have grieved the Lord and the Spirit humbles us and works in our heart a broken-hearted repentance. When we are faithless He remains faithful. He has proved it over and over. Christ is our faithful Bridegroom who came, "that he might sanctify [us] having cleansed [us] by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that [we] might be holy and without blemish." 

That is the story of redemption. That is what we have been given in His work of salvation and bitter passion. 

That the Lord has not left us should be what was noteworthy about the past year, and His promise that He never will should be our great hope in the future. 

Let us remember that. Let us recall our union with Him. Let us draw from that rich well of blessings that we have been given in Christ; finding the strength and grace we need to overcome sin and temptation. Let us bless him and cry out with Paul, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places!"

So, let that be our resolve-- to constantly put before us the reality of our union with Christ and to remember what we have been so graciously given in that union- every spiritual blessing. Let us reflect Christ's character in all our actions and dealings with others. If "we love because He first loved us" then let us love each other well and bear one another's burdens. That is how we fulfill the law of Christ. He humbled himself to the point of death, therefore let us likewise consider others before ourselves. We have Christ abiding in us--He has given us His love and the ability to love as He loves--therefore let us draw from that well of love. We have sinned against each other and we have sinned against the Lord in this past year and the Lord's response is to "love one another earnestly, for love covers over a multitude of sin." See how gracious He is! His yoke is easy and His burden is light! 

Each one of us can look back upon our past year and see the many failures and successes it has brought us individually, but we can also look back collectively and see God's gracious dealings with us. So let our resolve be to honor Christ and to honor others, to love Christ and to love others. Let our resolution be that we join with David in saying, "I will meditate on your precepts and fix my eyes on your ways. I will delight in your statutes; I will not forget your word." 

As the Lord has worked and continues to work in our lives let us be acutely aware of all that He has done and is doing in our lives. May it be that we turn from all of our petty resolves and see instead the resolve that Christ has made between us and Himself through His work on the Cross. Let us look to His past work and draw from that the strength we need to faithfully serve Him as we wait upon the promises that we have been given partially now, but will be ours completely in that Last Day. That is the hope that will motivate us- that He will keep us. That He will accomplish. That all that He has resolved will be completed.

In Christ,

K

The best kind of night.

Today was a good day. Tonight was a great night. It may have been my favorite night out here so far.
After a day spent alone at home- laying out in the sun, listening to an audio recording of a Spurgeon sermon, playing with the puppy, beginning "Religious Affections," and going for a run- I went to Starbucks to put more work and thought into my study on Hebrews. Freshly showered with hair still wet, no makeup on and sunburned cheeks, sitting down with a peach iced tea lemonade and my study materials was just ideal. The sun had just set over the mountains and left the sky in an array of soft pastel colors. A sherbet sky. There's something about divine revelation in nature. It humbles me and gives me an overwhelming sense of gratitude for being given the privilege to know the Creator of all things and makes me fervently desirous to know Him more. We serve an awesome God, in the truest sense of the word. He is certainly worthy of all honor and glory and praise. Being moved to adoration through the means of His creation reminds me of my "creatureliness." I was created by God, and I was created for God. The purpose of the creature is to glorify and magnify the Creator. One writer puts it this way, "God created all things in the way that He chose. When created things (i.e. creatures) live according to the way He designed, we not only bring glory to Him but also find blessedness, peace, and fulfillment." And isn't that so true? At least I have found it to be true in my own life. It is in those times, when I catch even a small glimpse of the resplendence of God, that I am brought to adoration and feel the most "human." When I am compelled to praise and worship the Creator I realize that I am fulfilling my natural duty and purpose. And that gives me immense joy, unsurpassed peace, and a feeling of unity with my God. And that is what I was given tonight.
After finishing up my notes-- half forcedly since Starbucks was closing-- I was reminded of the Scripture I posted previously and, I think, for the first time I really understood the words and what Paul was saying. I had memorized the passage and individual verses many times, and have heard them spoken in my home, but never did they "click" like they did tonight, especially after my thoughts last night.

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made ME his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way...Only let us hold true to what we have attained." Philippians 3:12-16

Context helps, of course. Paul is saying that he has not attained what he previously mentioned, that is "that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." He speaks of gaining Christ and being found in him, trusting by faith the righteousness imparted to him by His work at the Cross, and how it is his goal now to know Christ more fully. Christ has made him His own, and now he desires to respond to the grace he has been given by laboring to know Christ more fully through shared suffering in the hope of attaining the resurrection. And that so perfectly fits and describes what I feel and was thinking over last night. I love the relevance of Scripture and the unity of thought among the Saints- it really is a testament to the inerracy of God's perfect Word. 

Anyway, those were my thoughts on the way home from Starbucks, and that gave me EVEN MORE joy. Seriously, so much joy. Abounding joy. So I came home, took my pendleton blanket, a cup of hot chocolate, and my computer outside to sit under the beautiful night sky and listen to a sermon on the passage. I imagined that Piper would have a great sermon on the passage and, of course, I was right. The sermon was entitled, "Going Hard After the Holy God." Go listen to it. So good. After that I listened and sang along to a few hymns and just wept because of the goodness of God. None compare. And nothing compared to this night. I want to keep it in my memory forever. 

Here are a few quotes from the sermon that I really enjoyed:

"To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love, scorned indeed by the too easily satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart" -quoting A.W. Tozer

"We must go hard after Christ, because not to means that we don't want to know him. And not to want to know Christ is an insult to his value and a sign of spiritual stupor or deadness in us. But when you go hard after Christ, to know him, the reward is your joy and his honor."

"saving faith is not merely a one-time decision for Christ. Saving faith is an ongoing preference for Christ over all other values. The pursuit of Christ is the evidence of genuine faith in Christ as our treasure. Therefore, we must go hard after Christ in order to confirm our justification."

"The best commentary on Philippians 3:12 is Philippians 2:12–13: "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for God is at work in you." Go hard after Christ, because Christ is at work in you! "Strive for . . . the holiness without which no one will see the Lord" (Hebrews 12:14), for the Lord is working in you what is pleasing in his sight (Hebrews 13:21). The reason the Bible can make our salvation depend on our pursuit of holiness without turning us into self-reliant legalists who have no assurance is that it makes our pursuit of holiness depend on the sovereign work of God in our lives. Work out your salvation, because God is at work in you. Your work is his work for his glory when done in dependence on his power. The most fundamental reason why you must go hard after Christ is that Christ is in you, moving you to go hard after him."

"The first step in going hard after the holy God, then, is to develop a holy dissatisfaction with your spiritual life. Stand in front of the mirror of the Word and recognize that you have not yet arrived. The hearty admission of our spiritual imperfections is the starting point for the pursuit of God."

But, let's be real, all of it was good. 

And a short playlist of what I listened to:

1. Be Thou My Vision- Andy Hull

2. Hallelujah! What a Savior- Ascend the Hill

3. Just a Closer Walk with Thee- The Avett Brothers

4. Oh to Be Loved- Page CXVI

5. This the Power of the Cross

6. Justice Delivers its Death- Sufjan Stevens

To begin, begin.

This past week has been a tough one. Not physically, or outwardly, but mentally. I have a terrible habit of overthinking things and it often leads to the deterioration of my self esteem or confidence; not that I have much to begin with, but any that has been built seems to break down. I would like to say that I have a strong belief in the sovereignty of God but it's as if in certain areas I feel that it doesn't apply. That there are so many things wrong with me that I need to fix before God will bless me with "the desires of my heart." As if God is waiting on me to change before He will carry out His plan for my life. Laughable, right? I think that's how I see it- that I am being held back from those things I so desire as a punishment for everything that is wrong with me, and so I need to fix myself before I can have them. I carry so much guilt and shame because of the person I am. And it's so wrong for so many reasons but, first and foremost, it is wrong because I do not see my sins as forgiven, the Holy Spirit as my helper, and this "waiting" period as a blessing. And that's so scary to me. Without a true heart knowledge of those things I fear that I may waste an incredible amount of time on trivial thoughts instead of moving "from one degree of glory to another" and growing in the grace and knowledge of my Lord and Savior. I don't want to confuse my priorities or major on the minors, I want to redeem the time and I want to know the heart of Christ. 

During these times I often, like Job, seek counsel in friends and, like Job, find that their advice avails little. That there is no comfort in their guidance and no healing in the words of men. I must go to Christ. I must once again go to the foot of the Cross and see my dying Savior. I must see the great price he paid on my behalf. That is what will turn my eyes from worthless things and realign my thoughts with those proper for one who bears the name of Christ. That is what will re-establish my purpose and make all things dim in comparison and lose their grip over me. Over and over, I must go to the Cross. I must go to Christ. I must go to the Gospel. The Gospel is not elementary in the life of a believer- the Gospel is everything in the life of a believer, and I have certainly found that to be true. Oh, to understand it more fully and realize it more completely!

I am finding healing in Christ day by day and realizing that His grace is sufficient and that I truly can do all things through Him that strengthens me. I can be brought low and be in need, but by His strength He will carry me through. Mulling over these thoughts has allowed me to see how small my affections are for Christ and how little my desires are for the manifestation of His glory in my own life. I often question if I even truly know Him. Do I know Him personally that paid the price for my sins? Do I love Him that loved me to the point of death? Surely if I did my life would be very different. I would have the power to overcome sin and the desire to daily be in communion with Him. Then I remember all that He has delivered me from, all the sins that I have overcome by His grace, all that He has carried me through, and I realize the miracle it is that I desire or love Christ at all. Still, to know Him more fully is my desire. To have the eyes of my heart enlightened to the hope to which I have been called, and what is the greatness of His power that is at work within me. Undoubtably, now I see but dimly that which I will one day see face-to-face, but so much of Christ is unveiled in Scripture and I can be sure to find Him there! I desire to find Him there.

 I began my study through Hebrews today and though it was only the history, themes, characteristics, and purposes I covered, I am beyond excited and am already confident that this study will be greatly edifying. I am eager to see what the Lord teaches me, with much prayer, through the reading of and meditation on His Word. With the aid of commentaries by Pink, Owen, and Calvin, expository preaching through the Epistle by various Pastors and teachers, and contemplating the subjects at hand with fellow believers, I am also enlisting the help of saints to open my eyes to those things that are not plainly seen and expand my understanding of this rich book. 

Hopefully I will update periodically on my progress and share what I am learning. Just today I was greatly encouraged as I went over the preliminaries and compared myself to the Jews that it was written to. After being accustomed to the religion and practices of their forefathers, they were struggling to let go of the Mosaic institutions and thus fully embrace Christ and the new covenant of grace. They needed to be reminded that Christ, and Christianity, superseded Judaism and everything they had previously known of religion. The theme of the book being that Christ was superior to everything that had gone before, and immeasurably so. Without a proper knowledge of these things, the writer (Paul...), feared that they would drift away, fall back into the old customs of the law, and neglect "so great a salvation." In obviously very different circumstances, I can place myself there in a small way. So many times I feel as though I, like the Jews, am so accustomed to "religion" that it becomes more works-based religious activity instead of seeing and fully relying on the sacrifice and sufficiency of Christ. Of truly loving Christ and obeying the commandment, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind..." It seems to be so much easier to superficially obey the "rules"- attending church, reading the Bible, praying x amount of times a day- than it is to check my own heart and motive and face the reality of how little I know of or love Christ. It brings me back to what I said previously of my struggles. Seeing Christ is a constant struggle for me. Understanding what He did on the Cross is something that is hard for me to grasp. Trusting His work on my behalf for salvation can be really hard. I do so many things out of fear and compulsion and forget that love for Christ should be what compels, strengthens, and enables me to rightly obey Him. I do not love Christ as I ought. I do not know Him as I should. And the Jewish believers that have gone before me faced the same struggles. Saints of great influence grappled with the same doubts and fears and sins that plague me today. That is of great encouragement to me. That reminds me to press on.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that which Christ Jesus took hold of me..." Philippians 3:12-14

In Christ,

-K

All Things Beautiful.

I don't have much to say at the moment but I do have pretty pictures to post, and so that's what I'll do. Well, actually, I have a lot I could write about but not the desire to do so at this moment. Blogging is a funny thing-- I feel like I need to blog immediately after something great happens or I lose all motivation/remembrance to do so-- or maybe it's just me that's funny (fickle).

Here are some photos from the past couple of days, no significant stories attached to any one of them. Living in such a scenic city has me constantly inspired to take photos and capture the beauty that surrounds me. It has been rainy for the past few days and with the rain has come the enhanced, vibrant colors of everything it touches. It had me itching to go out and take a few pictures, which I was able to do, and yearning to go camp up in the mountains, which will have to wait for another time. The forest has never looked so beautiful and the mountains have never been so alluring.

Aside from that there are a few pictures from around my room as I work to put it together and make it feel like "home." Being an introvert, my bedroom has always been a sort of escape and, in a way, "sacred" to me. Moving into a new house and leaving all my belongings back home in Illinois made for a rough start but it's all coming along. I purchased my very first Pendleton blanket this week and found some vintage postcards on Etsy that I plan to hang on my wall in a framed collage of sorts. I also need to paint everything white- anyone who knows me knows that this is absolutely necessary; bright, clean, crisp, white freshens up any room. It really is like some sort of magic. 

Oh, and the puppy. I took some pictures of her. I may not be a pet person but she's pretty darn cute and, at least at this stage, very photogenic. The last photo is my favorite because it's the look I get every time I take her outside. She is always so reluctant and reminds me of an obstinate teenager. So much attitude, so much cuteness.