This past week has been a tough one. Not physically, or outwardly, but mentally. I have a terrible habit of overthinking things and it often leads to the deterioration of my self esteem or confidence; not that I have much to begin with, but any that has been built seems to break down. I would like to say that I have a strong belief in the sovereignty of God but it's as if in certain areas I feel that it doesn't apply. That there are so many things wrong with me that I need to fix before God will bless me with "the desires of my heart." As if God is waiting on me to change before He will carry out His plan for my life. Laughable, right? I think that's how I see it- that I am being held back from those things I so desire as a punishment for everything that is wrong with me, and so I need to fix myself before I can have them. I carry so much guilt and shame because of the person I am. And it's so wrong for so many reasons but, first and foremost, it is wrong because I do not see my sins as forgiven, the Holy Spirit as my helper, and this "waiting" period as a blessing. And that's so scary to me. Without a true heart knowledge of those things I fear that I may waste an incredible amount of time on trivial thoughts instead of moving "from one degree of glory to another" and growing in the grace and knowledge of my Lord and Savior. I don't want to confuse my priorities or major on the minors, I want to redeem the time and I want to know the heart of Christ.
During these times I often, like Job, seek counsel in friends and, like Job, find that their advice avails little. That there is no comfort in their guidance and no healing in the words of men. I must go to Christ. I must once again go to the foot of the Cross and see my dying Savior. I must see the great price he paid on my behalf. That is what will turn my eyes from worthless things and realign my thoughts with those proper for one who bears the name of Christ. That is what will re-establish my purpose and make all things dim in comparison and lose their grip over me. Over and over, I must go to the Cross. I must go to Christ. I must go to the Gospel. The Gospel is not elementary in the life of a believer- the Gospel is everything in the life of a believer, and I have certainly found that to be true. Oh, to understand it more fully and realize it more completely!
I am finding healing in Christ day by day and realizing that His grace is sufficient and that I truly can do all things through Him that strengthens me. I can be brought low and be in need, but by His strength He will carry me through. Mulling over these thoughts has allowed me to see how small my affections are for Christ and how little my desires are for the manifestation of His glory in my own life. I often question if I even truly know Him. Do I know Him personally that paid the price for my sins? Do I love Him that loved me to the point of death? Surely if I did my life would be very different. I would have the power to overcome sin and the desire to daily be in communion with Him. Then I remember all that He has delivered me from, all the sins that I have overcome by His grace, all that He has carried me through, and I realize the miracle it is that I desire or love Christ at all. Still, to know Him more fully is my desire. To have the eyes of my heart enlightened to the hope to which I have been called, and what is the greatness of His power that is at work within me. Undoubtably, now I see but dimly that which I will one day see face-to-face, but so much of Christ is unveiled in Scripture and I can be sure to find Him there! I desire to find Him there.
I began my study through Hebrews today and though it was only the history, themes, characteristics, and purposes I covered, I am beyond excited and am already confident that this study will be greatly edifying. I am eager to see what the Lord teaches me, with much prayer, through the reading of and meditation on His Word. With the aid of commentaries by Pink, Owen, and Calvin, expository preaching through the Epistle by various Pastors and teachers, and contemplating the subjects at hand with fellow believers, I am also enlisting the help of saints to open my eyes to those things that are not plainly seen and expand my understanding of this rich book.
Hopefully I will update periodically on my progress and share what I am learning. Just today I was greatly encouraged as I went over the preliminaries and compared myself to the Jews that it was written to. After being accustomed to the religion and practices of their forefathers, they were struggling to let go of the Mosaic institutions and thus fully embrace Christ and the new covenant of grace. They needed to be reminded that Christ, and Christianity, superseded Judaism and everything they had previously known of religion. The theme of the book being that Christ was superior to everything that had gone before, and immeasurably so. Without a proper knowledge of these things, the writer (Paul...), feared that they would drift away, fall back into the old customs of the law, and neglect "so great a salvation." In obviously very different circumstances, I can place myself there in a small way. So many times I feel as though I, like the Jews, am so accustomed to "religion" that it becomes more works-based religious activity instead of seeing and fully relying on the sacrifice and sufficiency of Christ. Of truly loving Christ and obeying the commandment, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind..." It seems to be so much easier to superficially obey the "rules"- attending church, reading the Bible, praying x amount of times a day- than it is to check my own heart and motive and face the reality of how little I know of or love Christ. It brings me back to what I said previously of my struggles. Seeing Christ is a constant struggle for me. Understanding what He did on the Cross is something that is hard for me to grasp. Trusting His work on my behalf for salvation can be really hard. I do so many things out of fear and compulsion and forget that love for Christ should be what compels, strengthens, and enables me to rightly obey Him. I do not love Christ as I ought. I do not know Him as I should. And the Jewish believers that have gone before me faced the same struggles. Saints of great influence grappled with the same doubts and fears and sins that plague me today. That is of great encouragement to me. That reminds me to press on.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that which Christ Jesus took hold of me..." Philippians 3:12-14
In Christ,
-K
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